Escape from L.A.
We were somewhere around Barstow out on the edge of the desert when The Total Physical Exhaustion began to take hold. I remember shouting something like, ‘AS SOON AS WE GET INTO VEGAS, WE NEED TO REPLENISH OUR IBUPROFIN SUPPLY AND BUY SOME UGLY HAWAIIAN SHIRTS!, but Hugo couldn’t hear me on account of the 93 degree windstorm that was whipping through the interior of the Cerulean Stallion going 90 miles an hour down Highway 15.
We needed to get as far away from Los Angeles as we could as fast as we could.
Yes, that’s right, we are still in possession of the Cerulean Stallion. After receiving a series of alarming emails from Alamo Car Rental about how they needed to “ground” our Mustang convertible immediately because of some sort of defective software that had something to do with the headlights, or brake lights, when we finally drove into the Alamo Car Rental complex at LAX, prepared to surrender our beloved Stallion and accept whatever pussified probably hybrid automobile the Alamo Car Rental company wanted to foist on us, the Alamo personnel had no idea what we were talking about, and told us to keep the car.
So we tore out of there and set off across the desert for Las Vegas.
Of course, just when we thought we were done with The Alamo Car Rental Recalled Vehicle drama, I get another email this morning from Alamo Car Rental in Bradley, advising us that, notwithstanding our clean bill of health from Alamo Car Rental in LA, we need to immediately swap out the vehicle, or take it to a Ford Dealer/Service Center, where authorized Ford Motor Company software technicians will repair the alleged defect that has triggered the “open recall on the vehicle.”
Apparently, the Alamo Car Rental company intends to hound us all across the USA and back, sending us scary-sounding emails and issuing contradictory instructions, until we can’t take the harassment anymore and just drive to our nearest Alamo Car Rental Complex and beg them to take back the Cerulean Stallion and give us one of those humongous Urban Assault Vehicles that so many Americans feel they need to drive around in these days, for “safety” reasons, of course.
Which (i.e., “safety” reasons) brings me to our Escape from Los Angeles, and the sad and strange series of events that necessitated it … but, first, let me quickly fill you in on our visit to San Francisco, or at least give you the broad strokes.
We were all jacked up to get some great panoramic photos driving into town over the Golden Gate Bridge, but, well …
We made it in through the fog, though, and checked into the luxurious Surf Motel …
We toured the city, a rather strange experience after having been gone for 35 years. I’ll write more about that in the book. And we had a fantastic reading/discussion event at Adobe Books in the Mission, organized and hosted by Sane Francisco …
All in all, we had a wonderful time in San Francisco, except for the driverless Waymo vehicles that were clearly following us everywhere and recording everything we did and said!
I was very sad to have to leave town so soon, but we needed to get to L.A., where I had planned to crash from part one of the road trip and rest up for part two …
We hadn’t scheduled any public events in L.A., as I assumed we would be exhausted by the time we got there and would just want to rest up for a few days.
My prediction was right, of course. We came into L.A. “hard,” as the helicopter pilots say in the movies. We pulled up at our L.A. hosts’ lovely residence in the hills, half-blind, variously injured, dangerously sleep-deprived, and stinking like goats.
Things went bad quickly.
Long story short, my smoking was a problem. I had discussed the smoking issue with our hosts back in August, when I was planning our insane itinerary. One of our hosts was “extremely sensitive” to smoke, so I offered to book accommodation elsewhere, and just show up for the gathering they were kindly arranging for us. But our hosts insisted that we stay with them and assured me that my smoking outside wouldn’t be a problem.
It was a problem. A serious problem. I don’t want to go on about it, because our hosts are kind, generous, good-hearted people who wanted to welcome us and make us feel at home, but … well, when it got to the point where one of them suggested that I wear a special “smoking t-shirt” whenever I went out to my designated smoking area in the front yard to have a smoke and get fed upon by swarms of mosquitos, I determined we needed to cut our losses and get out of there.
At that point, I was on the brink of Total Physical Collapse from twenty-five days on the road tear-assing across the USA doing events every other night and could barely think straight, and now I had to find us somewhere to spend the night in L.A., and I had to find it immediately, because our smoke-sensitive host was starting to lecture me about how I needed to learn to “adapt.” Just before I lost it and started shouting, this crackhouse shithole of a motel in Inglewood appeared in my Internet search. A room was available. I booked it.
So, there we were, in this total shithole crackhouse/hooker motel down by the airport, dangerously exhausted, having just fled the lovely home in the hills we had planned to recuperate in for the next three days. Our nerves were shot. There was really only one thing left to do. I booked us a room on the strip in Vegas, which is where I am writing from now. Here’s a shot Hugo took as we rolled into town on Monday …
That’s it for this update. I’m still trying to catch up on sleep and get ready for part two of the road trip, which starts tomorrow. We’re on the road to Sedona, then on to Santa Fe, where we’re doing events on the 10th and the 11th, and then on, and on, unless the Alamo Car Rental company remotely disables our vehicle, or the Waymo Illuminati or anti-smoking Nazis get us.
Here’s our full itinerary again …
New York City — September 11. Kick off at George’s and 9/11 Memorial (1-3PM).
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania — September 12. Lunch at Pat’s King of Steaks (1PM).
Washington, DC — September 13. Reading/discussion at The Big Board (7-9PM).
Hillsboro, West Virginia — September 14. Event at The Levels Depot (4:30PM).
Cincinnati, Ohio — September 16. Gathering at Madtree Oakley Taproom (7:30PM).
Chicago, Illinois — September 17. Visceral Adventure bonfire event (7PM).
Chicago, Illinois — September 18. Integrity Media Group event.
Peoria, Illinois — September 19. Gathering at a nearby horse farm.
Kansas City, Missouri — September 20. Joe’s BBQ with a theater impresario.
Council Grove, Kansas — September 21. Reading event at Carnegie Library (3PM).
Boulder, Colorado — September 23. Gathering at Bohemian Biergarten (2PM).
Pinedale, Wyoming — September 24. Gathering with locals.
Missoula, Montana — September 26. BBQ Gathering with locals. (12:00PM)
Coeur d’Alene, Idaho — September 27. Breakfast. (TBD)
Portland, Oregon — September 28. Gathering at Dick’s Primal Kitchen (1:30PM).
Gresham, Oregon — September 28. Reading event at The Scout Wine Bar (6PM).
Medford, Oregon — September 29. Reading event at Barnes & Noble (6-8PM).
Ashland, Oregon — September 30. Gathering at The Noble Fox (6-10PM).
San Francisco, California — October 3. Reading event at Adobe Books (5:30-8PM).
Los Angeles, California — October 6-8. Meetings with locals.
Sedona, Arizona — October 9. (TBD)
Santa Fe, New Mexico — October 10. Gathering with locals.
Santa Fe, New Mexico — October 11. Reading event at Club Paradiso (12-2PM)
Austin, Texas — October 13. Gathering with locals.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana — October 14. Town Hall at Louisiana State University.
New Orleans, Louisiana — October 15-18. Meetings with locals.
Oxford, Mississippi — October 20. Event at Ole Miss: University of Mississippi.
Tennessee — October 21. (TBD)
Bakersville, North Carolina — October 22. Gathering with locals.
Washington, DC — October 24. A visit with FIRE.
Greenwich, CT — October 27. Town-hall event at St. Mary Church (4-7PM).
Kensington, NH — October 28. Gathering at Crows’ Feat Farm (4PM).
P.S. You can support the America Road Trip Project via Freefunder:
What a drag, fellas! That's a long way to go for a lecture on cigs and your adaptation challenges.
Well, we three gals were sure glad we drove from Port Townsend, WA to Portland and Gresham, OR for your chats there. It was great to meet you both in person.
I was concerned about the gonad-buster schedule you created for yourselves. Don't be foolish, eh? That sort of sleep deprivation inclines the best toward illness, especially during these changes of season. You sure don't want to catch a cold in a blue state — they'll have you masked up and jamming a swab up your nose in a heartbeat! (-;
All blessings for a safe drive and good sleeps in comfy beds, gents.
So weird about the recall notices. So many Americans are like Nazis when it comes to smoking! Oops...dare I say that?